Please...

If you read this in the next 48 hours- could you please pray for me.

Just pray for love.

Meekness.

Control.

Joy.

I just need you to pray that I will be like my heavenly Father. Please pray. Please.

I am so far from perfect, and I don't think I can do this.

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. (Psalm 5:2)

Pray...

Back...

I'm finishing up my summer job today. This is my last day of work at radio stations WBIW/WQRK/WQRJ. On Sunday I will pack my bags and head home. Back to my family, my room, and my wonderful friends. Back to sharing a bathroom, family dinners, and Blockbuster movies. Back to reading Narnia after dinner, bouncing on the trampoline, weird picnics with Amanda, and the money sucking world of college. Back to a church where I know people, and back to a town where I know where the one way streets are.

Back to everything familiar.

I loved this job. Things I learned here I am quite sure I never would have learned at home. I had to be jerked up and transplanted. Some of us have to get our lessons pounded into us.

I became aware of the wide variety of people that are in the world. I've always known that. But I've never been forced to interact with them. These past few weeks the average age that I've interacted with has been 40 and up. I've never had to do that before. I interact on a daily basis with ladies who are fifteen years older than me, and have experienced so much more of life. I've learned that even if you're uncomfortable, your goal should be to insure others' comfort. Even if you are unsure, you must present a calm, decided appearance. And one of the fastest ways to make friends is to laugh with a person, and listen to a person. Empathy is a very powerful tool.

I learned that there are times when you may want to talk. You may feel that you need to speak. When you see something and want to start chattering away- but you don't. Tact is something that is a hard thing to learn through experience...

If I have been taught one thing by example this summer it is generosity. The people here just give, give, give. There is no stopping them. They want to take you out for lunch, listen to your problems, buy you what you need, treat you to things you've never had before. But more importantly they give their time. They just lavish it on others. These ladies with whom I work are incredible examples of Christ-like service and sacrifice. Their goal is to put others first, and they give of their most precious possession- time. They're busy. They have mulitple things they could do for themselves, but instead they choose to spend that time and money on others. I am amazed.

But there is one lesson I have learned that I would not trade for a free year of tuition....

God is always there.

It's one of those cliche phrases that we throw around, that we casually acknowlege and dredge up in the times when we are despondent and depressed. I've always had a head knowledge of that, but never has it been real.

Nothing in the past few weeks has been what I'm accustomed to. I've been alone in a situation completely foreign to me. I had nothing I could rely on. In addition to the complete unknown of the business, the people, and what my responsiblities were, God also chose this time to point out several flaws that I needed to work on. Things I had pushed to the back, hidden by a fun social calendar and the sedentary comfort of my usual life now came into the spotlight because I had no friends, no social life, and no surity and comfort.

There was nothing but God.

Nothing to think about- but God. Nothing to dwell on- but God. No one to spend time with- but God.

So I did.

And because of this I now know my heavenly Father better than ever before.

So what have I learned this summer?

God is there.

Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you- I, whom you have redeemed. (Psalm 71)

Today the Courtney Forecast is....

I am bipolar. My father told me I was. He's never wrong. :)

One day I'm in the depths of despair and the next I'm bouncing off the walls. Although, in all fairness, I'm not in the depths of despair very often.

Yesterday was a depths day, today I'm quite cheerful. I have only one more day of work after this. I'm singing in church on Sunday, I have plans for my Friday night (no, they do not involve a guy, have you ever known them to involved a guy?) and I get to go home Sunday night. I'm very happy.

Today is hot and sultry. My hair is frizzing all over the place, and I've already received several compliments on it. :) Apparently we're reverting to the '80s in our hair fashions.

I have determined that I am a very shallow person. I need everyone to know that. I have decided that others don't require much of shallow people.

I'm just so happy, happy, happy!!!!!

Be joyful always (I Thess. 5:16)

Good-bye now. I'm done.

Tired

Everyone has battles, right? Please tell me that everyone has something that they fight constantly with only slight breaks of relaxation. Everyone gets tired, right? Doesn't everyone want to just stop- just become perfect? Please tell me I'm not alone.

"Rough morning" is, I believe, the traditional phrase for the start of a day that is completely horrid. The radio station is going through a difficult, job-changing time. Everyone is a little tense, and since I live with the owners of said station there really is no escaping. I worked two hours late yesterday (no additional pay- and I am doing the same again for 3 hours tonight) however, I was given a reprimand for showing up to work 15 minutes late. The same person who reprimanded has been making very nice jabs at how fat I look, how irresponsible I am, and how I have a completely lack leadership: "Courtney, if you ever want to be a manager, you are going to have to pay more attention to detail!" What if I don't want to be a manager!?!?! What if I hate managing people and dealing with problems!?!?! What if that's not what I want to do with my life!?!?! What if I'm happiest when curled up on my futon just studying and ignoring the world and all it's problems?!?! What if I'm sick of watching, hearing, and being completely inundated with news!?!? What if I don't care if I don't sound personable over the air!?!?! What if I don't want to be the model young adult like those wonderful Ritter boys I'm always compared to!?!?!! What if I'm am just completely sick of never doing anything right!?!?!

On top of that God has been pointing out areas in my life where I need to grow and change. I am fighting inner battles, and being attacked from all sides. I'm sure it's good for me. I'm sure it's polishing me, and if I was convinced that I was becoming more like Christ through these problems, I would be ecstatic. But I've never felt farther from Christ-like. Unfortunately, going to a secular campus has opened my ears to more "choice" words than I was ever privy to in high school (and I got a good dose...) and now seems like a perfect time to use them. I would like to go to a gym and pound a punching bag while yelling and cussing bloody murder for a solid hour.

But I can't.

And I won't.

I'm just so tired...

Tired of never measuring up.
Of never being perfect.
Of never making everyone happy.
Of never conquering my own spiritual demons.
Of never being really wanted or desired.
Of being branded a failure.
Of being criticized.
Of being away from home.

I'm tired.

"I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." (Job 3:26)

The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:6-8)

Abercrombie and Fitch, A Phone, And Flowers

I have the most amazing co-workers in the world. They are all older than me. Most of them are married. My wonderful grandmother threw me an extravagant birthday party complete with china, silver, sparkling grape juice in chrystal goblets, and a gourmet menu. All of my coworkers were invited.

We talked, laughed, and shared hilarious stories from our "childhoods" and then they raised a toast to "Courtney becoming a young lady." AHHHHHHH! Talk about freaky. Then they presented their gifts. I was kind of expecting gifts because they always do that, but I wasn't expecting what I got.

First I was handed a big box. Inside was my very own phone (just like all the phones here at the station) and on the handset was "Courtney Blake" Over the numbers was another gold plate saying "Telemarketing Princess." You should have seen my face. I was laughing so hard! I hate telemarketing, and, being the transparent person I am, they all knew that. It's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. It's going in my dorm room. Everyone will have to call me on it. :)

I was expecting that to be it.

Nope.

They all pooled their money and made a card with Abercrombie and Fitch jeans on the front. I know it's a cliche, trendy store. I've never bought anything there in my life. But it's been my dream, for the past few months to buy Abercrombie and Fitch Jeans. And I swore I wouldn't until I was the size I wanted to be for the rest of my life, simply because they're so expensive, and they'd only look good on skinny chicks. They all knew that. And they gave me money to be spent only on my dream pair of pants. That gift made me cry.

This afternoon I got my first bouquet. MaryAnn, my coworker, and her boyfriend sent them to me. I have never had flowers sent to me, and Adam (the boyfriend) told MaryAnn that he wanted to get me something special to make my birthday away from home tolerable. :) She almost cried when she saw the bouquet. She thought it was absolutely hideous. It does look like something from Napolean Dynamite with pink carnations, orange daisies, and purple flower stalks. I was just happy to get flowers. It's been my dream for years. :)

Today has been wonderful.

I love these people.

I am so blessed.

Hello World!!!! Prepare to be Conquered!!!

Hi. I'm twenty. (Well... I will be on the 17th, but I won't have a computer then.)

I have lived two decades. Twenty fabulous years. Twenty years ago I couldn't walk, talk, or reason. I've got the walking, and definitely the talking down, but give me another 20 years on the reasoning...

God is so full of love and blessing towards me that I can hardly believe it. Each year has been better than the last, and there are very few people who can claim that. The blessings He has lavished have been completely un-merited (just ask my parents!) but He continues to pour them on. To whom much has been given much will be required. (I Cor. 4:2) At this rate I'll be a martyr in Somalia by age 30. :) Bring it on!!!

This past year has, true to schedule, been better than any other.

I have started college in a profession that I am passionate about.
I worked last summer and this summer at incredible jobs- one with the Worrell boys, and then here at the WBIW/WQRK/WQRJ radio stations.
I learned to drive a stick.
I've been asked out five times in one week and hit on by a body builder. Before this year, I had only been asked out once.
I visited Peru, South America, and I now want to be involved in missions in some capacity for the rest of my life.
I went to my first late night movie.
I lived on my own.
I've become involved in PBF, and met a wide variety of people there and all across campus.
I played in the Indianapolis Circle Theatre with the former "Phantom" in "The Phantom of the Opera."
I learned how to use the bus system.
I stopped blushing and started mentioning Christ in my classes.
I've telemarketed.
I'm getting two little sisters from China.

This year has been awesome.

Life is incredible and I can hardly wait for the next year. I know that sounds corny, but it's honest.

I'm going to eat sushi.
Ride a motorcycle
Learn to shoot a gun.
Get straight A's.
Adopt a little sister, "Mia."
Go on my first date.
Join the "Gene Pool" and finally understand basketball.
Go on a road trip.
Be a counselor at the Wilds.
Write (finish) my first song.
Take track two at the counseling conference.
Go to my first formal.
Be a bride's maid at one of my best friend's wedding.
Lose my voice at a football game.
Know the name of every girl on my floor.
Lead a Bible study.
Read the list of books I've always wanted to.
Memorize all of I John and James.
Bungee jump.
Hang glide.
Rock climb.
Learn how to speak Arabic, make strawberry-rhubarb pie, and crochet hats.
Visit Australia.

Isn't life incredible?!?! Bring it on world! I'm ready to conquer whatever you throw at me!!! God has so lavished his love, I can hardly contain my amazement and joy. I can only pray that this next year, if it brings none of the items on my list, that it fulfills my ultimate goal:

Teach me your ways, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name ~ Psalm 86:11 ~

WHOO-HOO!!!! I'M 20!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!!!!!!

Tears

There are times when your insignificance and uselessness are just ground into you. Days when you are convinced by yourself and those around you that you'll never be good enough to realize your dreams.

You'll never amount to anything. Why didn't you do this? Why did you do that? What are you doing with your life? Is that wise? You know, if you want to be good you're going to have to pay better attention to detail. Are you gaining weight? I don't understand why you can't get this! No, no one would date you. You'll never be good enough for that. Huh, that'll be the day. Dream on! Well, it's nice you have dreams.... I don't have anything for you to do- go clean. Well, he's perfect- why don't you take lessons?

Every little flaw grows and becomes enormous, black, consuming.

It seems that this doctrine has been thrown at me for weeks now: You'll never be good enough. Courtney, you are a waste of space. You are fat, lazy, useless, and unlovable. You'll never amount to anything. Why haven't you spent time developing one gift- that's better than just being mediocre at lots of little trivialities. No one will ever want you. I mean, come on! Look at yourself!

Not every comment/thought at once. But little things here and there. Poking, prodding, stinging. Sometimes it's easier to have one giant cinder block drop on your foot that thousands of tiny needles jabbing you all over.

I can honestly say that I've never felt so incompetent, unlovely, alone, and sinful in my entire life.

And that's probably right where God wants me.

"I am competent- so you don't need to be. I find you lovely, Courtney- though you are the worst of sinners. I'm here- even though you deserve to be alone. And I died- so your sin could be washed away. So bury your head in my chest and cry. Let my arms wrap around you instead of the weak arms of man that you desire. Cry, because I'm here to wipe away all of your tears. And when they are dried, daughter of mine, throw back your head and laugh. Because I chose you and I love you. Sing your praise and your wonder at all I've done for you! Stand up and shout the good news for all to here. I'll be standing right behind you- always ready to hold you when the world grows dark. Always ready to protect you when the storms begin. So cry, right now, my heavenly princess, because you are a sinner, but I saved you; you are unlovely, but I chose to love; you are alone, but never completely; and you are weak, so that I may be strong. You may cry, my beautiful one, but I will smile, because you are now completely mine. Stay. I will hold you and keep you till eternity. I love you."

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart.... (Isaiah 40: 11)

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:7-9)

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passes away. (Rev. 21:3,4)

Hi, my name is Courtney Blake and I'm calling for the radio station WBIW....

That above phrase, my blog entry title is the phrase I have said again, and again, and again since 8 o'clock this morning. Yes. I am a telemarketer. The very fact that they are the bane of everyone's existence is not enough of a blight on my present state of mind. I also have a horrible phobia of the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I never ever liked to do it. Aside from my parents and about two girlfriends, I get antsy and pace whenever I have to talk about anything with anyone over the telephone. I think I sound like I've swallowed helium. I don't like that I can't see the other person's expression. I shudder and rejection. And I don't like dealing with any conflicts or problems. I just hate it. So, here I am in a job that requires me to do the very thing that I loathe. The very thing that I said I would never do. Ugh. I am definitely earning this pay check.

Well, below are several things that have been sent to me and have added some levity to my otherwise horrendously stretching day. For your amusement....


"Some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." (My "friend" wrote- "I instantly thought of you when I saw this." Hmmm.)

Sent to me by my dear mother: http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/8572800.swf I love her. :)

"There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots."

"The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you." (Ugh. Thanks a lot.)

"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."


So. That's it. Today is not a voluminous writing day. It's a Friday. And I just want to go home. To my REAL home. Lafayette is wonderful. Don't believe me? Well, too bad. That's your loss.

"Courtney! Courtney! Wake up!"

I was awakened at 5:00 a.m. today. Information had just come over the wire to the radio station (and subsequently to my grandparents' house) that a series of bombs had gone off in the London transportation systems.

I have nothing more to say. The shock permeated me, but I cannot capitalize on that- I don't even know anyone in London. It's not my country. But, sometimes lines like that don't matter.

Wake up!

Realize that this world is falling further and further into depravity and violence!

Wake up!

There is something you can do- there is a God to whom you can pray!

Wake up!

We are the next generation. Stop complacently accepting things are the way they are going to be.

Wake up!!!

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I can't impact anyone. I can't help in any way. Why? Why? Why?

Life is short. Brief. There are thousands, millions of people who are unaware of the wonderful grace of God. Perhaps these traumas are electric jolts to bring us back to reality. I feel so helpless, I don't even know what to say. All I know is that I want to reach others before their time runs out. To make an impact. To spread the word. To inform. To evangelize. I don't know how. But I must. This is a dieing world. I've got to wake up!

My life has haas been instilled

By a hope that never moves

And yet it moves me still

So I'm crying out to you

Use me

So I can take your fame and glory

For all to see

No matter where Your hand may lead me.

I will go

I will go

To make You known

I will go

I can't keep you to myself

My heart is just too small

There's so many left to tell

That You came for one and all

Use me

So I can take Your fame and glory

For all to see

No matter where your hand may lead me

For a dying world in need

For the hungry and the weak

For the sinner scared to speak

I will go.

Understand, please

I think I need to explain something.

I've had lots of people ask me why I'm not dating, or why there's no "interest" in my life. Anyone who knows me remotely well can attest to the fact that I am about as far removed from an emotionless machine as you can get. I am, at heart, a romantic. I love sappy movies, songs, and stories. I bawled so hard in the "Titanic" that I had red eyes and a headache for the next 24 hours. I get achy in my throat when I hear Dvorak, and I sing at the top of my lungs to "The Phantom of the Opera." I am, in essence, a romantic sap. I would love to have my own love story. But I don't think it's fair.

It's not fair to the poor guy. I still don't know what I want in a Prince Charming. I'm still looking and trying to figure out my own messes and problems, my own goals and desires. I can't bring another person into that! It wouldn't be fair to him. What would happen, if somewhere down the road I finally did figure out what I wanted- and I had this guy I had been dragging along the whole time (and who would be perfect with one of my friends) but who would be horribly unhappy with me? Perhaps that guy was the epitome of someone else's ideal, but not mine. However, I have been the one leading him on. That's not fair to him. It's playing with his emotions. (Even though some argue that guys don't have emotions.)

So, I'm currently waiting. But actively so. I'm getting to know more people (guys and girls) I'm trying things, developing friendships, trying to sort through my own little foibles and gathering wisdom from those around me so that I may make a wise decision when my time comes. Until it does- I'll still sob through chick-flicks and someday I'll sing along to Josh Groban:

You're the one I've always though of

I don't know how but I feel sheltered in your love

You're where I belong

And when you're with me if I close my eyes

There are times I swear I feel like I can fly

When you say you love me

The world goes still, so still inside and

When you say you love me

For a moment, there's no one else alove.

And this journey we're on

How far we've come and I

Celebrate every moment

When you say you love me

That's all you have to say

I'll always feel this way

When you say you love me

Do you know how I love you?

Yeah, go ahead and call me a romantic fool. I know I am. :)

WONDEFUL!!!!!

My weekend was wonderful. That's all I can say. Superb. Splendiferous. Incredible. I didn't do anything life shatteringly wonderful, I just spent lots of time with friends and family. And... I learned some very important things about each of them, and about me. :)

On Friday I went shopping with Trev and Er. We went at seperate times because the Miata- which I had driven home at 4:30 a.m. that same morning- is only a two seater. And to take any other car was simply unthinkable when there is an adorable convertible sitting in your driveway. The reason Alex didn't go is because we were shopping for him. Birthday presents. And he had to work. (pfft- what is this "work" thing?) Then I ventured over to the wonderful world of "Day Camp." Where I and Amanda ran screaming towards each other ("Courtneeeeeey!!!!" "Amaaaaaaanda!!!!") as though we hadn't seen each other in a whole year. (5 weeks felt like a year.) I was sure I was Amanda's ulitimate bestest bud. (Apparently my status changed on Sunday- I'll explain in just a minute.) I played with, abused, and made fun of kids for the next four hours. We went swimming. I got burned (my nose is peeling now) and I had a wonderful time. :) Then I went and got a pedicure with my mother and sister. WONDERFUL!!!! When (if) I'm rich I'm going to get one every week. PBF that night. Very good. Then we restaurant hopped and ate lots of food. After which Amanda and I went out in the middle of the country and looked at stars (in the convertible) and talked. Once again: WONDERFUL!

Saturday. I cooked and cleaned all day. I love cooking and cleaning. Soft Scrub is one of my bestest buds. And I've been thinking that I had either better get married, or have lots of hungry roomies. Because if I don't have a voraciously hungry husband or a whole gaggle of girlfriends, I will get very fat eating my own concoctions. That night we hosted a suprise party for the Wickerts. They were both turning 50. It was one of the most fun "grown-up" parties I've been to in ages.

Sunday. CHURCH!!!! Love it. If you're not fully thankful for Faith Baptist- go somewhere else for 5 weeks. Pig roast was wonderful. Lots of food. I ate more than I should have for lunch, but it was the only meal I ate all day. :) Then, after the Vesper's Service, I was betrayed by Amanda. A large group of peers were driving to Covington for a concert given by a Southern Gospel quartet. Now, you must know, I put southern gospel and rap music in the same catagory. I can generally listen to them without screaming, but enjoy them I cannot. However, not everyone was going. Aaron had to work late, but he was willing to do something (movie?) after his shift was over. I don't like southern gospel. I had been craving a good movie. I decided to skip the concert. Amanda- WENT TO THE CONCERT AND DUMPED ME FOR DAVID BANKES!!!! I was in shock. She became very irritated with me whenever I dumped her for David (all of one time) and now she was doing the same to me!!!! All well.... I enjoyed the movie very much. Aaron showed up late (almost not at all) but I took Trevor and Matt Trillus, and Joe invited a batch of people. It was a very nice movie, although Joe comforted the girl (Adrienne) at his end of the row when she was scared, and Aaron didn't have the same decency at his end of the row. (Although it may be mentioned that despite his callousness he looked very good in his goatee. I've seen very few guys who look good in facial hair, and previously Aaron's attempts have made me cringe. :) But this summer... it looks very nice. Cuter than Brad Pitt.)

July 4th I spent the entire day cleaning at the house we bought, are fixing up, and attempting to sell. I scrubbed grime off the cabinets and all around in the utility room. Yes, I like scrubbing, but I wasn't allowed to use my beloved Soft Scrub, so the job lost some of its charm. But spending time with my dad, brother, and sister was very nice. I didn't go to fireworks. It was pouring rain. So my family ate Mexican gorditas and watched "Roman Holiday" (Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck) and then went to bed.

I came back to work this morning getting up at 4:40 and leaving at 5:30. I got lost in Indianapolis, but made it safely there. I am now at work.

That was the last time I'll see my family for another 3 weeks. It makes me chokey in my throat, but it will go quickly. This weekend was WONDERFUL!!! and I can hardly wait to go back home!

Besides, when I do, I get a motorcycle ride.