A Funny Knot.... but why not?

Do you ever get that strange, tight knot in your stomach? It clenches up tight and twists around.

I just wonder what could have happened.... Why does it always seem to be (just slightly) out of my grasp? I got so excited, I'm not going to lie. I liked it. Like wearing a smile all the time and feeling like skipping everywhere you go. That's what it felt like.

But then something changed. I think it was a reality check. A, "WHOA! Courtney! Don't go there!" And suddenly the happiness changed. No, it didn't really leave... but something new came. This knot. This little twinge of knowing, of accepting... again. Of once again having to look at God and say. "Okay. I won't. You're right."

Not to say that I've said it quite that willingly. I'm afraid I'm entering my foot-stamping mode. My, "WHY!?!? WHY? Why?..... why?" And I've started the whole questioning thing again, "What don't I understand? Why like this? Why this way? Why not me? Why is it never going to come? Sure, I know it's crazy, far-fetched, but you're a great God, so why not me?"

Please.

He's so wonderful....


please.