Not Myself
Ever have one of those weeks that you reach the end of and wonder if you rember how to laugh? Sometimes smiling is even a problem. And you don't want to go anywhere because if you go somewhere you'll see people you know and they'll expect you to be happy, to be smiley, to be funny. I wonder what would happen if I showed up at church feeling like I do now- and showing it. A little tired, a little depressed, a little disgruntled, and not at all bubbly. I imagine most people wouldn't recognize me or like me. It makes me wonder. Do people like me, or my charade? All my life I've been told, "be polite." "Smile." "Say such and such to so and so." What would happen if I just showed up and burst into tears on Amanda's shoulder, snapped David's head off, ignored Mandy and Jamie, gave Zach a punch on his nose, and refused to laugh and grin with Kyle, Debi, Karie, Rachel, etc.? Would people still like me? Or would I, in one night, lose all the relationships I have developed? I'm scared to find out. What if I'm completely unlikeable?
When I go to church I have to perform. I have to smile. I have to be interested in everyone and everything about their lives. I know everyone's names, and I'm always asked about so and so. I'm Courtney Blake, if I was caught anywhere near the alcohol in a grocery store (nevermind if I was looking at frozen dinners) my dad would hear about it. I go to church. I'm the daughter of the people who teach the parenting class. (Be glad you don't have that stigma.) If, maybe just once, I showed up at church showing my need for encouragement and my exhaustion- what would happen?
What is church? I go. I serve. I learn. I act. But there's more than that! If I just wanted that I could join the National Association of Volunteer Actors and Actresses! Isn't church where I am supposed to go and be spiritually refreshed? I'm supposed to serve, I know, I've done it my whole life. But isn't the church supposed to build me back up and encourage me after a week of fighting it out on my own? Isn't the church a resting spot for when I'm tired- my refuge from all the trash that's thrown at me each week? Or do I have to go into the church strong, already perfect? Looking at me on Sunday morning you could think: Yup, her progressive sanctification is complete. Why is anything less than that not okay? I don't understand.
Yes, I agree that the church is an evangelism tool, that I can use it to develop my spriritual gifts and minister to the needy. But.... isn't there more?
Answers, anyone?
I'm not myself.....
When I go to church I have to perform. I have to smile. I have to be interested in everyone and everything about their lives. I know everyone's names, and I'm always asked about so and so. I'm Courtney Blake, if I was caught anywhere near the alcohol in a grocery store (nevermind if I was looking at frozen dinners) my dad would hear about it. I go to church. I'm the daughter of the people who teach the parenting class. (Be glad you don't have that stigma.) If, maybe just once, I showed up at church showing my need for encouragement and my exhaustion- what would happen?
What is church? I go. I serve. I learn. I act. But there's more than that! If I just wanted that I could join the National Association of Volunteer Actors and Actresses! Isn't church where I am supposed to go and be spiritually refreshed? I'm supposed to serve, I know, I've done it my whole life. But isn't the church supposed to build me back up and encourage me after a week of fighting it out on my own? Isn't the church a resting spot for when I'm tired- my refuge from all the trash that's thrown at me each week? Or do I have to go into the church strong, already perfect? Looking at me on Sunday morning you could think: Yup, her progressive sanctification is complete. Why is anything less than that not okay? I don't understand.
Yes, I agree that the church is an evangelism tool, that I can use it to develop my spriritual gifts and minister to the needy. But.... isn't there more?
Answers, anyone?
I'm not myself.....
posted by COURTNEY at 11:06 AM
2 Comments:
From what I have been able to observe and experience, we are all very much like you on some basic level. It may also be that we are a bunch of idiots. But, hey, God loves us. Of course, you already know all of that, so I don't know why I said it. I seem to have a habit of saying things.
As for answers... "I don't know."
(Now where have I heard that before?)
Court,
oh sweetie!! why didn't you bombard me with a whingey email?!?! yup - i know how you feel (been there - rushed out of church once ... and balled my eyes out in the loo ... and someone else was there doing the same thing too)
having said that, it's scary being real ... it's being vulnerable and allowing people to see the real us. There is a time and place to be loving when we don't feel like it and putting someone's needs before our own ... but we can't accept God's grace if we're too proud (or scared!) to let our facades down.
i hope things are better now!! sorry i blabbed!!
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