Past, Present, FUTURE

I'm a worrier. There. Now you all know. (Not like you didn't already.) I worry about lots of stuff. Now, I'm rather proud of myself, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore- for the most part. (Except attendance- and if you've never been browbeaten by Thomas, then you won't know why I make that a big deal.... :) ) So I've got the little things down- I don't go ballistic if I'm out of peanut butter or I can't get a ride somewhere. But I'm not doing so hot with the big stuff. I think God let man create college for the exact purpose of making young men and women depend on him. Honestly, at what other point and time in my life will so much of my future be up in the air? None. (Unless I have a midlife crisis, I guess...) At this time in my life I don't know what my future job is going to be, whether or not I'll get into grad school (do I even want to go to grad school?), what will I be doing with my summer, what roommate will I have next year, and (let's face it) who in the WORLD am I going to marry?!?!? (am I going to get married?)

So all of these thoughts have been whirling around in my head for a while. (I'll be honest, the last one more than any of the others....) And I've been trying to strategically plan and write goals, etc, because that is the kind of person I am- I plan, I goal set, then I know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. But for some reason God isn't letting me see too far into the future right now, and I think I have discovered why.

My mentallity of the whole dating/marriage thing has always been like a puzzle piece analogy, "I may be lacking in that area, but who ever I date/marry will be able to pick up the slack." It's kind of an excuse to be lazy, and God, very gently and lovingly has been showing me how very, very wrong I am. I can't look for completion in a state of matrimony- to do that would just spell disaster for me if I ever do get married. And to just sit around and wait for Prince Charming to come along and make me perfect is not fair to him. He's getting the raw end of the deal. And what happens if I never meet this guy? Am I just going to sit around for the rest of my life feeling only partially complete because I never met him? What a waste of oxygen. "I'm sorry Lord, can't do that, you see, you never sent a husband my way, so I can't really serve you all that well."

So it's back to the drawing board. I've mapped out my next five years. And this is the assumption- I'm not going to get married. (Argh! I can't believe I just wrote that!) Or in other words- I am not going to assume that I will. Instead I'm going to live each day passionately and fully. God has given me this wonderful, vibrant life. Wow! After all- "The chief end of man (and woman) is to glorify God and enjoy him forever." Strange.... those Westminster catechism guys didn't say- "The chief end of man (and woman) is to find each other, fall deeply in love, get married, and then serve God together accompanied by their (on average) 2.5 children." Odd.

LORD, we love to obey your laws;our heart's desire is to glorify your name. All night long I search for you; earnestly I seek for God. (Isaiah 26:8,9a)