Life
Every now and then God hits me over the head, "Courtney! You're mortal- you're not in control! I am. Trust me! Build your life around me!" In a sense, He is saying that to me everyday by allowing me to draw each breath, but when He really lays it on me, it's then that I realize that my life is but a vapor.
I woke up, yesterday morning, a little later than I normally do, simply because I could. My 8:30 class was cancelled and I was excited about my two extra hours of sleep. When my alarm went off, I gathered my toothbrushing tools and my face washing goods, and headed down the hall to the bathroom. I felt great! Today was the history lecture we had been hearing about all semester, I had nothing due in Spanish or Cognitive Psychology, and I was even going to be done an hour and a half early with my day because there was no orchestra.
I had just finished brushing my teeth when something happened. I lost my sense of hearing. It was the strangest thing I have ever physically experienced. It was as though some one had plugged my ears full of wax and then pressed cotton over the top of that. Hopefully it's the closest I ever come to actually being deaf. All at once I began to lose my sight, I couldn't see anything for a second, and then everything would flash back in to my sight with a slightly grey tinge. At the same time I began to lose control of my limbs, I could barely walk, and my arms were like dead weights. Breathing became difficult and I had to remind myself how to inhale and exhale. Everything started to go blank around me, and I fought off a wave of panic as I lost three of my five senses.
* * * * * *
I looked around, confused. I was on the floor, I couldn't move my legs, and my head hurt as though someone had slammed a sledge hammer into it. I looked up. Gradually I began to move, and to realize where I was. I had fallen to the floor in the rest room, narrowly mssing the sinks, and suprisingly landed on my back rather than my face. I could feel a goose egg beguin to rise on the back of my skull, and my legs were trembling. Tentatively I stood and teetered down the hall way. I could barely move and my head was throbbing. Telling myself not to be a baby, I lay down on my futon, after setting my alarm, deciding to sleep until just before class.
I couldn't sleep.
The long and short of it is, I went home. I was so sick, I couldn't keep water down. I hadn't thrown up since I was ten. I went to see the doctor. He did all the tests, blood work, an EKG. He wanted to test for a heart murmur, but I'm very sure I don't have one of those....
As of today, there is no indication of why I fainted so suddenly. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't on medication, I didn't have low blood sugar or low blood pressure. There was no indication of a virus or other illness. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I had gotten plenty of sleep, and there was no stress in my life- all of my projects were finished and turned in. Every question he asked I was replied, "No, that couldn't be a reason, because...."
So I don't know. I'm not sure why God let this happen, I'm not sure why I had to go through this. I wish that I didn't have to fight back the fear of it happening again, but I do. There is no logical reason for my "illness" and as such, I have no logical explanation. I don't know when, or if, it's ever going to happen again. But I do know one thing.
I was given today. Not tomorrow, and I can't relive yesterday. I can, however, live as passionately as I can today, because that is all that any of us is promised. I realized that I am not in control, although I like to think I am, and that in all reality, it is God who controls each breath I take and each move I make.
Why else did this happen?
I don't know.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. (Psalm 103:13-18)
I woke up, yesterday morning, a little later than I normally do, simply because I could. My 8:30 class was cancelled and I was excited about my two extra hours of sleep. When my alarm went off, I gathered my toothbrushing tools and my face washing goods, and headed down the hall to the bathroom. I felt great! Today was the history lecture we had been hearing about all semester, I had nothing due in Spanish or Cognitive Psychology, and I was even going to be done an hour and a half early with my day because there was no orchestra.
I had just finished brushing my teeth when something happened. I lost my sense of hearing. It was the strangest thing I have ever physically experienced. It was as though some one had plugged my ears full of wax and then pressed cotton over the top of that. Hopefully it's the closest I ever come to actually being deaf. All at once I began to lose my sight, I couldn't see anything for a second, and then everything would flash back in to my sight with a slightly grey tinge. At the same time I began to lose control of my limbs, I could barely walk, and my arms were like dead weights. Breathing became difficult and I had to remind myself how to inhale and exhale. Everything started to go blank around me, and I fought off a wave of panic as I lost three of my five senses.
* * * * * *
I looked around, confused. I was on the floor, I couldn't move my legs, and my head hurt as though someone had slammed a sledge hammer into it. I looked up. Gradually I began to move, and to realize where I was. I had fallen to the floor in the rest room, narrowly mssing the sinks, and suprisingly landed on my back rather than my face. I could feel a goose egg beguin to rise on the back of my skull, and my legs were trembling. Tentatively I stood and teetered down the hall way. I could barely move and my head was throbbing. Telling myself not to be a baby, I lay down on my futon, after setting my alarm, deciding to sleep until just before class.
I couldn't sleep.
The long and short of it is, I went home. I was so sick, I couldn't keep water down. I hadn't thrown up since I was ten. I went to see the doctor. He did all the tests, blood work, an EKG. He wanted to test for a heart murmur, but I'm very sure I don't have one of those....
As of today, there is no indication of why I fainted so suddenly. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't on medication, I didn't have low blood sugar or low blood pressure. There was no indication of a virus or other illness. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I had gotten plenty of sleep, and there was no stress in my life- all of my projects were finished and turned in. Every question he asked I was replied, "No, that couldn't be a reason, because...."
So I don't know. I'm not sure why God let this happen, I'm not sure why I had to go through this. I wish that I didn't have to fight back the fear of it happening again, but I do. There is no logical reason for my "illness" and as such, I have no logical explanation. I don't know when, or if, it's ever going to happen again. But I do know one thing.
I was given today. Not tomorrow, and I can't relive yesterday. I can, however, live as passionately as I can today, because that is all that any of us is promised. I realized that I am not in control, although I like to think I am, and that in all reality, it is God who controls each breath I take and each move I make.
Why else did this happen?
I don't know.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. (Psalm 103:13-18)
posted by COURTNEY at 6:52 AM
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