Tears
There are times when your insignificance and uselessness are just ground into you. Days when you are convinced by yourself and those around you that you'll never be good enough to realize your dreams.
You'll never amount to anything. Why didn't you do this? Why did you do that? What are you doing with your life? Is that wise? You know, if you want to be good you're going to have to pay better attention to detail. Are you gaining weight? I don't understand why you can't get this! No, no one would date you. You'll never be good enough for that. Huh, that'll be the day. Dream on! Well, it's nice you have dreams.... I don't have anything for you to do- go clean. Well, he's perfect- why don't you take lessons?
Every little flaw grows and becomes enormous, black, consuming.
It seems that this doctrine has been thrown at me for weeks now: You'll never be good enough. Courtney, you are a waste of space. You are fat, lazy, useless, and unlovable. You'll never amount to anything. Why haven't you spent time developing one gift- that's better than just being mediocre at lots of little trivialities. No one will ever want you. I mean, come on! Look at yourself!
Not every comment/thought at once. But little things here and there. Poking, prodding, stinging. Sometimes it's easier to have one giant cinder block drop on your foot that thousands of tiny needles jabbing you all over.
I can honestly say that I've never felt so incompetent, unlovely, alone, and sinful in my entire life.
And that's probably right where God wants me.
"I am competent- so you don't need to be. I find you lovely, Courtney- though you are the worst of sinners. I'm here- even though you deserve to be alone. And I died- so your sin could be washed away. So bury your head in my chest and cry. Let my arms wrap around you instead of the weak arms of man that you desire. Cry, because I'm here to wipe away all of your tears. And when they are dried, daughter of mine, throw back your head and laugh. Because I chose you and I love you. Sing your praise and your wonder at all I've done for you! Stand up and shout the good news for all to here. I'll be standing right behind you- always ready to hold you when the world grows dark. Always ready to protect you when the storms begin. So cry, right now, my heavenly princess, because you are a sinner, but I saved you; you are unlovely, but I chose to love; you are alone, but never completely; and you are weak, so that I may be strong. You may cry, my beautiful one, but I will smile, because you are now completely mine. Stay. I will hold you and keep you till eternity. I love you."
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart.... (Isaiah 40: 11)
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:7-9)
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passes away. (Rev. 21:3,4)
You'll never amount to anything. Why didn't you do this? Why did you do that? What are you doing with your life? Is that wise? You know, if you want to be good you're going to have to pay better attention to detail. Are you gaining weight? I don't understand why you can't get this! No, no one would date you. You'll never be good enough for that. Huh, that'll be the day. Dream on! Well, it's nice you have dreams.... I don't have anything for you to do- go clean. Well, he's perfect- why don't you take lessons?
Every little flaw grows and becomes enormous, black, consuming.
It seems that this doctrine has been thrown at me for weeks now: You'll never be good enough. Courtney, you are a waste of space. You are fat, lazy, useless, and unlovable. You'll never amount to anything. Why haven't you spent time developing one gift- that's better than just being mediocre at lots of little trivialities. No one will ever want you. I mean, come on! Look at yourself!
Not every comment/thought at once. But little things here and there. Poking, prodding, stinging. Sometimes it's easier to have one giant cinder block drop on your foot that thousands of tiny needles jabbing you all over.
I can honestly say that I've never felt so incompetent, unlovely, alone, and sinful in my entire life.
And that's probably right where God wants me.
"I am competent- so you don't need to be. I find you lovely, Courtney- though you are the worst of sinners. I'm here- even though you deserve to be alone. And I died- so your sin could be washed away. So bury your head in my chest and cry. Let my arms wrap around you instead of the weak arms of man that you desire. Cry, because I'm here to wipe away all of your tears. And when they are dried, daughter of mine, throw back your head and laugh. Because I chose you and I love you. Sing your praise and your wonder at all I've done for you! Stand up and shout the good news for all to here. I'll be standing right behind you- always ready to hold you when the world grows dark. Always ready to protect you when the storms begin. So cry, right now, my heavenly princess, because you are a sinner, but I saved you; you are unlovely, but I chose to love; you are alone, but never completely; and you are weak, so that I may be strong. You may cry, my beautiful one, but I will smile, because you are now completely mine. Stay. I will hold you and keep you till eternity. I love you."
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart.... (Isaiah 40: 11)
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:7-9)
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passes away. (Rev. 21:3,4)
posted by COURTNEY at 4:26 PM
2 Comments:
insignificance is one of the few true feelings of reality. we are insignificant. we have nothing to claim as accompishments. yet it is that insignificance that makes God's love to us more incredible. and through His love, the love of others around us. we have nothing to offer to someone else that is unique. and we certainly have nothing to offer to God. and yet, God and people around us choose to love us. you know this, but that means that God loves you, and there are people around you who dearly love you.
Thank you. You made me cry.
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