Tired
Everyone has battles, right? Please tell me that everyone has something that they fight constantly with only slight breaks of relaxation. Everyone gets tired, right? Doesn't everyone want to just stop- just become perfect? Please tell me I'm not alone.
"Rough morning" is, I believe, the traditional phrase for the start of a day that is completely horrid. The radio station is going through a difficult, job-changing time. Everyone is a little tense, and since I live with the owners of said station there really is no escaping. I worked two hours late yesterday (no additional pay- and I am doing the same again for 3 hours tonight) however, I was given a reprimand for showing up to work 15 minutes late. The same person who reprimanded has been making very nice jabs at how fat I look, how irresponsible I am, and how I have a completely lack leadership: "Courtney, if you ever want to be a manager, you are going to have to pay more attention to detail!" What if I don't want to be a manager!?!?! What if I hate managing people and dealing with problems!?!?! What if that's not what I want to do with my life!?!?! What if I'm happiest when curled up on my futon just studying and ignoring the world and all it's problems?!?! What if I'm sick of watching, hearing, and being completely inundated with news!?!? What if I don't care if I don't sound personable over the air!?!?! What if I don't want to be the model young adult like those wonderful Ritter boys I'm always compared to!?!?!! What if I'm am just completely sick of never doing anything right!?!?!
On top of that God has been pointing out areas in my life where I need to grow and change. I am fighting inner battles, and being attacked from all sides. I'm sure it's good for me. I'm sure it's polishing me, and if I was convinced that I was becoming more like Christ through these problems, I would be ecstatic. But I've never felt farther from Christ-like. Unfortunately, going to a secular campus has opened my ears to more "choice" words than I was ever privy to in high school (and I got a good dose...) and now seems like a perfect time to use them. I would like to go to a gym and pound a punching bag while yelling and cussing bloody murder for a solid hour.
But I can't.
And I won't.
I'm just so tired...
Tired of never measuring up.
Of never being perfect.
Of never making everyone happy.
Of never conquering my own spiritual demons.
Of never being really wanted or desired.
Of being branded a failure.
Of being criticized.
Of being away from home.
I'm tired.
"I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." (Job 3:26)
The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:6-8)
"Rough morning" is, I believe, the traditional phrase for the start of a day that is completely horrid. The radio station is going through a difficult, job-changing time. Everyone is a little tense, and since I live with the owners of said station there really is no escaping. I worked two hours late yesterday (no additional pay- and I am doing the same again for 3 hours tonight) however, I was given a reprimand for showing up to work 15 minutes late. The same person who reprimanded has been making very nice jabs at how fat I look, how irresponsible I am, and how I have a completely lack leadership: "Courtney, if you ever want to be a manager, you are going to have to pay more attention to detail!" What if I don't want to be a manager!?!?! What if I hate managing people and dealing with problems!?!?! What if that's not what I want to do with my life!?!?! What if I'm happiest when curled up on my futon just studying and ignoring the world and all it's problems?!?! What if I'm sick of watching, hearing, and being completely inundated with news!?!? What if I don't care if I don't sound personable over the air!?!?! What if I don't want to be the model young adult like those wonderful Ritter boys I'm always compared to!?!?!! What if I'm am just completely sick of never doing anything right!?!?!
On top of that God has been pointing out areas in my life where I need to grow and change. I am fighting inner battles, and being attacked from all sides. I'm sure it's good for me. I'm sure it's polishing me, and if I was convinced that I was becoming more like Christ through these problems, I would be ecstatic. But I've never felt farther from Christ-like. Unfortunately, going to a secular campus has opened my ears to more "choice" words than I was ever privy to in high school (and I got a good dose...) and now seems like a perfect time to use them. I would like to go to a gym and pound a punching bag while yelling and cussing bloody murder for a solid hour.
But I can't.
And I won't.
I'm just so tired...
Tired of never measuring up.
Of never being perfect.
Of never making everyone happy.
Of never conquering my own spiritual demons.
Of never being really wanted or desired.
Of being branded a failure.
Of being criticized.
Of being away from home.
I'm tired.
"I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil." (Job 3:26)
The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living. (Psalm 116:6-8)
posted by COURTNEY at 6:50 AM
2 Comments:
It is not true that you don't measure up ... it isn't true that you are not wanted or desired ... it is not true that you are a failure ...
I, for one, think that you are one of the finest young women that I know. I think that you have incredible strength of character and a wonderful capacity to love others. Additionally you have many skills that will take you to many wonderful places in this life.
While you might think that others have it all together, that IS NOT TRUE either. Everyone has struggles - I think that you are seeing them in those with whom you are working this summer.
So ... don't lie to yourself. Speak the truth to yourself. While we are fallen creatures in tremendous need of redemption, we have a Savior that is in that business. While you were once an enemy of God, you are now a friend and a sister of the King.
When you have that perspective it isn't all about how others are treating you, it is about how you, as an ambassador for the King, can lift others from the pit into which they have fallen. Look up, not to see others looking down at you, but to seek the King's approving glance as you love others in His absence.
I love you forever.
>.< me and my mouth.
dads say it best. just got off the phone with mine, and he is a true man, which is always nice to compare to what i just left. court, keep your head high and when you get back, we'll take campus by storm. and soap out our mouths. i think i'll need lysol for mine.
--molly
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