Growing Up

Occasionally I receive an epiphany that I'm sure (to the rest of the world) is a daily occurance: I am horribly, awfully stupid.

**Please no sugary sweet, or bluntly painful comments.**

I was sitting in church yesterday (a very good place to be on Sunday) when I was smacked upside the head with the realization that I am a horrible, shallow, immature person. It wasn't as though one thing caused the whole thought process to begin, it was more a steady accumulation of a series of events. Those quiet, gently disquieting thoughts that had been floating around in my head for the past several weeks suddenly solidified and became crystal clear.

I am selfish.

Shallow.

And inconsiderate.

Things that I prized in other people (coolness, style, fashion, hotness/cuteness, etc.) are oh-so-superfluous.

I ordered my world around things which, in the end I made fun of. Had I been watching myself this past year, I would have probably made fun of me. I derrided people who were like me while at the same time failing to see my own flaws and failings. Talk about embarrassing...

But through my epiphany came this realization. I'm an adult. Granted, not a mature one, but an adult, nonethless. And while I stand here at the beginning of the rest of my life (yes, I know it's trite, but it IS true) I realize that the things which I want to prize and value, I have been pushing away and ignoring.

I will not discount this entire year. I've learned massive amounts. But I believe the lesson of this semester is that what I was chasing, I didn't really want.

Sometimes you push away the good, the great, and the lovely, before you see its goodness, greatness, and loveliness.

Sometimes you're blind to what you really want.

Sometimes it takes losing to figure out what you want to win.