Questions and My Dream At Age 67
I feel that this post should become several different posts. But it's not going to be. If I was a professional writer who was required, by my editors, to carefully sift through and organize my thoughts, I would have to. But I'm not. So I won't.
I did a lot of wishy-washy thinking this week. Quite an amount. There should be two things you notice there- first, I am thinking. (Good job, Courtney!) Secondly, it's wishy-washy. (Typical Courtney!) And while wandering down the trail of my rambles I started to realize something. Never once, in my entire life, have I made a decision that I never questioned. Never. Everything I do I re-evaluate. From, "Did I spend too much money on those shoes?" to "Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Purdue..." each decision, big and small, is constantly looked at for flaws, mistakes, perhaps a slip in judgment.
So, I've returned a lot of shoes... and applied to other colleges. I've changed my major, and quite a few jobs. I've started relationships. I've stopped them. I've cried over mistakes, and I've worried if there are mistakes in apparently flawless decisions. Even decisions that, in the end, I am happy with, have, at some point and time, been doubted. All that has led me to this question:
Am I ever going to make a decision that I'm not going to question?
Is the trick to my mastering life, just to stick it out as long as possible? Most of the time the questions dissipate. The confusion leaves, and the doubts are no more. Is there going to be a time in every step I make where I have a total panic moment of "What on earth am I doing?" Or are the questions viable, and should I bail whenever they appear? (Okay, so the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle.)
But I was just wondering...
All right. On to topic two. (You don't mind, do you?) This morning I got a chance to do something really fabulous. Saturday we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom's family, and on Sunday all of us, entered my grandparents' church in entourage. We all sat in the same pew. We were introduced to the entire church, and all of their friends oohed and ahhed over how big (beautiful, handsome, cute, etc.) we had become. My grandmother strutted like a mother hen. She was so cute. She kept turning to people and saying, "This is my answer to one woman who asked me, "Do you even have children?'" Needless to say, it was quite fun.
However, that's not what I want to talk about. My revelation came in Sunday school as I sat there, surrounded by all the older couples. They were amazing. The way the husbands and wives interacted was great. I suppose if you've been around someone that long, you know all their quirks and habits. And as I looked at all of them, laughing and joking, dressed up on Sunday in their finest (as they have been for years) I decided that I wanted to be that way. Sure, there are a lot of things I would really like, huge houses, nice shoes, a spot on the Hollywood walk-of-fame. (Yes, I know it's cheesy...) But in the end, I would just like to wind up, on my 67th Thanksgiving Sunday, in church, with my honey, and a family. Call me cliche, corny, odd. I don't care. I just want a friendship like many of those couples had, a family, like my grandparents, and a Sunday ritual of learning and growing with good Christian friends.
Call me crazy, but today I wanted to be 67....
I did a lot of wishy-washy thinking this week. Quite an amount. There should be two things you notice there- first, I am thinking. (Good job, Courtney!) Secondly, it's wishy-washy. (Typical Courtney!) And while wandering down the trail of my rambles I started to realize something. Never once, in my entire life, have I made a decision that I never questioned. Never. Everything I do I re-evaluate. From, "Did I spend too much money on those shoes?" to "Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Purdue..." each decision, big and small, is constantly looked at for flaws, mistakes, perhaps a slip in judgment.
So, I've returned a lot of shoes... and applied to other colleges. I've changed my major, and quite a few jobs. I've started relationships. I've stopped them. I've cried over mistakes, and I've worried if there are mistakes in apparently flawless decisions. Even decisions that, in the end, I am happy with, have, at some point and time, been doubted. All that has led me to this question:
Am I ever going to make a decision that I'm not going to question?
Is the trick to my mastering life, just to stick it out as long as possible? Most of the time the questions dissipate. The confusion leaves, and the doubts are no more. Is there going to be a time in every step I make where I have a total panic moment of "What on earth am I doing?" Or are the questions viable, and should I bail whenever they appear? (Okay, so the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle.)
But I was just wondering...
All right. On to topic two. (You don't mind, do you?) This morning I got a chance to do something really fabulous. Saturday we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom's family, and on Sunday all of us, entered my grandparents' church in entourage. We all sat in the same pew. We were introduced to the entire church, and all of their friends oohed and ahhed over how big (beautiful, handsome, cute, etc.) we had become. My grandmother strutted like a mother hen. She was so cute. She kept turning to people and saying, "This is my answer to one woman who asked me, "Do you even have children?'" Needless to say, it was quite fun.
However, that's not what I want to talk about. My revelation came in Sunday school as I sat there, surrounded by all the older couples. They were amazing. The way the husbands and wives interacted was great. I suppose if you've been around someone that long, you know all their quirks and habits. And as I looked at all of them, laughing and joking, dressed up on Sunday in their finest (as they have been for years) I decided that I wanted to be that way. Sure, there are a lot of things I would really like, huge houses, nice shoes, a spot on the Hollywood walk-of-fame. (Yes, I know it's cheesy...) But in the end, I would just like to wind up, on my 67th Thanksgiving Sunday, in church, with my honey, and a family. Call me cliche, corny, odd. I don't care. I just want a friendship like many of those couples had, a family, like my grandparents, and a Sunday ritual of learning and growing with good Christian friends.
Call me crazy, but today I wanted to be 67....
posted by COURTNEY at 2:05 PM
2 Comments:
Courtney,
You made me cry at you wanting to be 67! (For real...no joke.) That is so sweet. Every mother wants to have a daughter who wants to be happily married at 67 with friendship, family, and the Sunday ritual of growing and learning together in Christ. Thank you for the blessing!
This past weekend I spent $30 on a pair of very punk formal boots that you would find hideous.
I am graduating this December in these boots. You would be proud.
There's a band that you might appreciate. They are Mae, and one of their songs say, "It's so close but we're so far away." (So Far Away) You should probably listen to it, since I heard it while I was reading your blog.
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