Answers, please!

I'm very confused by God. Granted, that's probably a good thing. I wouldn't want a god who I could easily decipher, but I'm not going to lie- I would like to have a slightly better idea of what on earth He's got in mind.

After reaching the point in my life when it would be good to know what I'm going to grad school for (and where I'm going!)- I don't. When I view myself as ready (both spiritually and in maturity) to start a relationship- there isn't one. Everything else in these two areas (relationship/school) is completely lined up- I have a life goal that I want to fulfill.

But I don't know where to go to ful-fill it.

And I think I've (hopefully) reached the place where I could start a relationship and have it be the beneficial, wonderful.

Yet there isn't one. Gosh, there isn't even hint of one.

I would really like to reach a point in my life where I could have some answers.

I just want the questions to stop.

I want the answers to start.

But I'm beginning to sense that this is life. And I'm never really going to have the answers....

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. (Jer. 29: 11,12)

I had chocolate soy milk for breakfast.

I scanned one of my pictures into an on-line celebrity look-alike website. I look like Angelina Jolie, Gisele (the model), Glen Close, and Sheryl Crow.

There is NO ONE in this computer lab.

In 48 hours it will all be over.


**things that keep me going...**

Little Experiences

How sad would it be to exit each semester without a list of things that I had done that were "new." I think it would be very, very sad. I'm in the middle of cramming for finals, but this will be my study break (to those of you who are interested).

I went on a blind date. (I guess... it was a little weird...)

I worked part time (20 hours a week).

I tried champagne and wine. (Don't like the first, can tolerate the latter.)

Argued with a professor (and then told him that he was going to hell. THAT was interesting...)

Skipped class for no reason- TWICE!!!

Flunked a homework for the first time since freshman year.

Started going to another campus group on Friday nights.

Realized that authority figures are not God, and that their word is not always law.

Got a brand new (2007!) car.

Steered clear (or tried to steer clear) of people pleasing (in all its negative connotations.)

Developed a great affinity for Starbucks.

Grew to view God as a friend to constantly turn to.

Discovered the beauty of being single.

Read all of Psalms.

Made over 20 new friends.

Learned how to dance (kinda!).

Started liking dark chocolate.

Learned how to check the pressure in my tires.

Went to a jazz concert.

Wasn't in orchestra.

Learned what your amygdala, limbic system, and hippocampus are for.

Decided that Vanderbilt was my dream school.

Told my dad that he could no longer interview prospective boyfriends.

Developed an affinity for rap.

Learned to love life, and my Creator more and more.

God is so good,

God is so good,

God is so good,

He's so good to me.

Napping in front of the computer...

I'm too tired to be profound. I'm to exhausted to be soul-searching. My mind is too numb to be clever, and I'm so very tired of being flawfull me. Tiredness has taken up residence in my eyes and permeated my brain. This entry will not be witty, intelligent, probably not even verging on coherency. But I'm at work, with nothing to do, and rather than go home and miss out on the 25 dollars that Purdue will pay me this afternoon, I've decided to doze in front of a computer monitor for the duration of my work time.

Since there isn't a new thought in my brain, (they've all been squeezed out into multiple papers that were due this week) I shall confine myself to merely stating facts. I think I shall tell you about events occuring this past week.

My parents are thinking of taking my car away because it's not clean enough. I washed it. It has new oil, but there was an unsightly conglomeration of books, notebook paper, sundry pairs of shoes, and multiple water bottles littering the seats and floor. Last night that was all cleaned out and put away. The car was also vacuumed (at three in the morning!!!). Now let us pray that the parents don't take my one mode of transportation away from me. (Granted, it's kinda what I deserve, but I'm hoping for grace based on their past demonstrations of unconditional love.)

Last night I was set up on a blind date. I haven't really gone yet, but yes, I am planning on it. His name is Trevor, he was in the Marines, has travelled the world, drives a truck, loves documentaries, has cute bristly stubble, and a good Christian mama who sits next to me in Stat. class. She pulled me aside yesterday and asked me if I was dating anyone "special." Restraining the urge to say "Anyone who would be dating me would have to be... special" (negative emphasis on last word) I told her I was not. She then proceeded to whip out her wallet and show me her son. Quite a cutie- dimples and a big smile. Apparently I'm going to just "happen" to stop by sometime in the next week, the same night that he comes for dinner. This cracks me up! I love it!!! And I think it's cute that she's trying to find a honey for her "little" boy. Granted, he's 23, on his own, and already a veteran of a war, but he still has dimples and slightly curly hair. I suppose no child with dimples really ever grows up in their mother's mind...

Today I did a photo-op for a lady in our office. She's been meeting men on-line for quite a while. Now she's found one who's a little more special, so we are preparing a special picture collage for him. Granted, if I was a male I would prefer a gift that portrays what kind of cook she is, or how well she can iron my shirts. But I suppose the physical attraction thing should be there too. ;)

I got two hours of sleep last night.

Jenni Engstrom and I have made it our goal to meet enough times for coffee so that we'll have tried every Starbucks Holiday flavored drink. Granted, Starbucks is a cliche, status seeking, pointless, expensive habit. But I really don't care. I think you should all know by now that I am shallow and status seeking. I'm perfectly fine with pursuing things merely because they will increase my value in the public eye. (I sense another blog developing...)

I turned in a 10 page cognitive neuroscience analysis today. However, after addressing the science issues (which is all everyone else did- their papers were about 5 pages...) I proceeded to explain why this was an important decision morally and ethically. We'll see if my professor likes my take on things. I'm very much afraid that we have completely different worldviews (if I had his worldview I'd be out sleeping around and binge drinking... once again, that's another blog topic.) but he seems fairly open-minded, and very willing to discuss various viewpoints. May he look upon my paper with favor.

I think that's it. Well... it's not really it. I'm almost done with my Junior year of college, I've developed a thing for watermelon lollipops, I've stuffed over 100 envelopes, and I just want to go to bed.

Good night!

Logs In An (aging) Person's Eyes

I'm afraid I'm getting old. Very, very old. I'm also afraid that the wisdom that SHOULD go with such age is not occuring. For instance, I'm a little slow to get out of bed in the morning. I'm starting to remember to take my vitamins and I seem to be developing and affinity for hot herbal tea. Coffee is a daily occurance, and I wear "practical" shoes (about 50% of the time.) All of these seem to point to a wiser, older me.

But there's one thing that I'm not incredibly stellar at: Holding my tongue. Granted, I'm getting better. MUCH better. I don't blurt out secrets, the details that friends share in confidence I don't tell the entire world. But I've noticed a horrible thing-

I think I'm a mean person.

I think I say things that I shouldn't.

Maybe not to the person's face, but occasionally behind their backs. Is it anything incredibly harmful, no, probably not. Yet at the same time, is it edifying, useful, or desirable? I'm afraid that quite a few of my remarks are tinged with cattiness.

I guess what drew my attention to this was an e-mail I recently received. It contained this line, "This is what you are to say...." And I began to be a little ruffled. Who was this person to tell me what to say? Why on earth did they think that I couldn't communicate clearly and lovingly? After all, they themselves were not paragons of excellence in this way! Why would they be telling me this.

Then I had a horrible misfortune.

I remembered scripture. Yes, I know. And the horrible thing about that is that the Bible is one sure-fire way to be convicted. And I was.

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? (Matt. 7:2-4)

I came to grips with the fact that I could not be upset at a person for their communication since I was hardly the one without sin and able to cast the first stone. After a rather intense, yet brief inner battle, I took a deep breath, thanked God for his abundant grace, through which I am able to grow to become more like Christ, and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day double-checking everything that came out of my mouth.

Surely my God is a great and loving sanctifier.