New Horizons

I learned something rather fascinating today at lunch. (Well, granted, it was lunch with my dearest daddy, who is always an extremely fascinating conversationalist.) But I learned something that will definitely change the course of my life over the next year.

We were talking about my academic path, and I let my dear father know that I have enough credits to graduate a year from now. (I'm a spastic over-achiever...) However, I was not going to graduate simply because I love Purdue, it would leave me with 8 empty months before grad school,I wanted to pull up the GPA, etc., etc. My father smiled. He knows that an extra semester wouldn't do a thing to my GPA because technically the grad schools will never know about the last semester of my senior year. I won't have even started it when I turn in my applications. He also knew that I would like to go somewhere besides Purdue, and that, in all reality, it was 8 empty months of boredom that was killing my desire to graduate early. That's when he whips out this statement:

"You know, any money that you don't use for tuition could be used to travel Europe for several months."

I paused.

I did a double-take.

Could it be possible to fulfill one of my life-long dreams before I have even turned 23?

"Or, " he added, "You could save it for grad school..."

heh.

No such chance!

So now, dear reader I am looking at the very real possibilty of being college graduate in a YEAR! A YEAR!!! That's crazy. I'm nowhere near the maturity needed to handle real life. College is a very nice bubble. Granted, I'll have at least two more years of it in grad school, but still... Grad school is different from undergrad. Everyone knows that.

I think I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to graduate early and then spend several months in Europe. That's my new plan. Of course, that means that I'm going to need to nail down what exactly I'm going to do after I travel. I think I'll just keep as many roads open as possible. I think I shall apply to grad school in cognitive neuropsychology, speech therapy, audiology, and public relations/marketing. I shall also apply for several jobs. (Just in case I want to join the REAL real world. You know, the place where you pay bills, taxes, and there's no parental safety net? Scary, scary place...)

Wow. Isn't it amazing how many different place you can go and how many different roads you can take to get there? New horizons are a little scary. But I think I'm going to like mine...

Questions and My Dream At Age 67

I feel that this post should become several different posts. But it's not going to be. If I was a professional writer who was required, by my editors, to carefully sift through and organize my thoughts, I would have to. But I'm not. So I won't.

I did a lot of wishy-washy thinking this week. Quite an amount. There should be two things you notice there- first, I am thinking. (Good job, Courtney!) Secondly, it's wishy-washy. (Typical Courtney!) And while wandering down the trail of my rambles I started to realize something. Never once, in my entire life, have I made a decision that I never questioned. Never. Everything I do I re-evaluate. From, "Did I spend too much money on those shoes?" to "Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Purdue..." each decision, big and small, is constantly looked at for flaws, mistakes, perhaps a slip in judgment.

So, I've returned a lot of shoes... and applied to other colleges. I've changed my major, and quite a few jobs. I've started relationships. I've stopped them. I've cried over mistakes, and I've worried if there are mistakes in apparently flawless decisions. Even decisions that, in the end, I am happy with, have, at some point and time, been doubted. All that has led me to this question:

Am I ever going to make a decision that I'm not going to question?

Is the trick to my mastering life, just to stick it out as long as possible? Most of the time the questions dissipate. The confusion leaves, and the doubts are no more. Is there going to be a time in every step I make where I have a total panic moment of "What on earth am I doing?" Or are the questions viable, and should I bail whenever they appear? (Okay, so the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle.)

But I was just wondering...

All right. On to topic two. (You don't mind, do you?) This morning I got a chance to do something really fabulous. Saturday we celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom's family, and on Sunday all of us, entered my grandparents' church in entourage. We all sat in the same pew. We were introduced to the entire church, and all of their friends oohed and ahhed over how big (beautiful, handsome, cute, etc.) we had become. My grandmother strutted like a mother hen. She was so cute. She kept turning to people and saying, "This is my answer to one woman who asked me, "Do you even have children?'" Needless to say, it was quite fun.

However, that's not what I want to talk about. My revelation came in Sunday school as I sat there, surrounded by all the older couples. They were amazing. The way the husbands and wives interacted was great. I suppose if you've been around someone that long, you know all their quirks and habits. And as I looked at all of them, laughing and joking, dressed up on Sunday in their finest (as they have been for years) I decided that I wanted to be that way. Sure, there are a lot of things I would really like, huge houses, nice shoes, a spot on the Hollywood walk-of-fame. (Yes, I know it's cheesy...) But in the end, I would just like to wind up, on my 67th Thanksgiving Sunday, in church, with my honey, and a family. Call me cliche, corny, odd. I don't care. I just want a friendship like many of those couples had, a family, like my grandparents, and a Sunday ritual of learning and growing with good Christian friends.

Call me crazy, but today I wanted to be 67....

Desires, Wants, and Needs

I, like most people (I hope) have certain days when all I want are a few simple pleasures. Today is such a day. I'm feeling slightly sickish (don't worry, not contagious) and I'm more than ready for the semester to end. I'm just letting my wants become needs...

I need a sappy chick-flick.

I need girl time.

I need a pedicure.

I need a massage.

I need a cuddle session. (After first acquiring an entirely perfect, flawless boyfriend.)

I need an all-natural spa time.

I need a large leather couch.

I need my favorite books around me.

I need a fire in a fireplace.

I need $1,000 dollars to go shopping.

I need to just graduate.

I need a pet tiger cub.

I need someone else to do my car maintenance. (Insert perfect boyfriend from above.)

I need to be perfect.

I need a hair cut.

I need highlights.

I need to find my big sunglasses.

I need to be healthy.

I need to feel loved.

I need to cook.

I need to sleep.

I just need....

**wow... I really AM needy...**

I started talking to the cat...

I've decided it.

I'm destined.

It's written in the stars.

I am going to be one of those crazy, frumpy old-maids that you always see in movies (and rarely in real life.) But that's what I'm going to be! I feel a sense of peace in knowning my calling...

:)

It came about like this.... Yesterday, as many of you know, was horribly cold, blustery, and wet. Yesterday, as many of you DON'T know, I had a 7:30 lab. I also had a huge test in Cognitive Neuroscience. Translation: I got a little over 3 hours of sleep and spent a total of maybe 10 minutes getting ready (including shower.) It was pretty much amazing. However, my appearance was not. I wore my black sweatpants (which I bought in the men's section at Walmart because they were thicker, black (instead of pink), and about $20 cheaper.) however, because these pants were purchased in the men's section, and men (as a general rule) have longer torsos than I, (and longer legs for that matter...) the pants must be hiked up almost to my shoulders in order to be the appropriate length. But they're comfy. So I hiked.

Also, on very damp days my hair becomes its own seperate person, in volume as well as in attitude. I didn't have time to do anything but shower and run some mousse through it. So it grew. And grew. All day. Until I looked like a red-headed Medusa.

So I completed step one towrads becoming a crazy old-maid: the appearance. Sweatpants and Medusa-hair are hardly complimentary...

Step two... I developed a very lazy, lacadaisical mentality. I left work early. I ceased to study for my test, and I watched substantial amounts of TV. Watching TV in (men's!) sweatpants on a Thursday when you should be reading mythology is the first sign that you're letting yourself go.

I also fell into the trap of thinking that I was "cute" and "attractive" when I wasn't. Everyone knows that single old-maids do this. (Okay, maybe not.... just in the books I've read....) But anyways, I tried to shmooze the Cingular man, the lunch lady, and the cashier. Only the cashier responded. I think that's because she was bored. I was always bored when I was a cashier.

So plainly, I cannot fall much further- I looked like trash, became lazy, and developed the delusion of beauty. The only thing else I could do to complete the old-maid stereotype would be talking to a cat, or something...

So.... I started talking to the cat. Yes. I did. We carried on conversations and I retorted to his every look and action. He was rather peeved. I would be too. But for crying out loud! There was no one else there! The family left. I was all alone. And completely frumpy, lazy, bored, and beauty-less. What was left but the cat?!?!

I like looking frumpy. (or rather, being comfy.)

I like being lazy.

I like thinking I'm attractive. (Though I'm not so keen on the reality of not being attractive...)

I like talking to the cat.

I think I'm going to like being an old maid. It's very restful. ;)

Skewed Perspective

About a year ago I came to the realization that I am inherently selfish. Don't laugh. I know it's rather stupid that I didn't figure this out earlier, but perhaps my inner probing had been a little... well, shallow. It took someone on the outside to point out what was going on the inside. She looked at me and said, "Courtney, the root of your sin problems is selfishness. You are a selfish person."

I could have hugged her. That sounds like an odd reaction, but I was so extremely ecstatic to find the heart of my problems- once I found the root issue I could attack it with gusto and see the death of sin in my life as opposed to merely trimming its branches.

I've rethought a lot of things since that day (and hopefully changed some of my habits) but I've chosen just one of those rethought areas to discuss today.... marriage.

Yes, I'm serious. I've always approached the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone from a rather skewed perspective. And a rather unbiblical one. Not surprisingly, none of previous relationships or pseudo-relationships worked out according to plan. And here's why:

When thinking about marriage I entered the relationship with a "what can he do for me?" and "how does this make me feel?" perspective. Rather than focusing on becoming more like Christ, or using this time in my life to help someone else become more like Christ, I chose to focus on what I wanted, what I thought I "needed" and what made me feel good.

Don't get me wrong- I think the butterflies, blushing, and romantic moments are wonderful, but I've arrived at the conclusion that it's not really what I want. At least, not if that is the substance of the relationship. (It would be a fabulous bonus.) But I would rather that the man in my life be my friend than my "Prince Charming," I'd rather he told me he loved my character than my appearance. I would rather be confronted than flattered, and helped rather than condoned.

My view of marriage (and relationships) was very self-focused. What did I want? What worked for me? And what made me comfortable? I sought my own desires rather than sharing God's true goal of marriage: that I be a helper and a suitable companion for a leader. (Genesis 2:18-22) Marriage is not God's way of making me comfortable, but rather His way of making me complete. Of causing me to grow.

I don't want to exit this post with a mis-understanding: I don't believe that God created marriage with the sole view of making us grow. I believe that He is a loving God who desires to give us good things. He created us with a desire for another, and I think marriage will be wonderful. I am what my friends refer to as a "hopeless romantic." I've got that part of the equation down pat, but what God has been helping me to see is that marriage as merely a romance is one-dimensional. Add to that component the "iron sharpening iron" (Prov. 27:17) of true friendship, and I think you have the best earthly relationship known to man...

You'll have a romantic friendship. :)

Why I Sing

There are days (such as this) when it doesn't matter how gray and dismal it is- colors just seem to come alive. There are days (such as this) when all the projects and papers in the world seem to bear no wait- and exhuberance dominates. There are days (such as this) when all of life snaps with vigor and beauty causing me to want to sing at the top of my lungs.

Why?

Because I love the color green.

Because God created chocolate.

Because new promises are always revealed.

Because my family loves me.

Because God allows me to breathe each breath.

Because I can sing aloud in my car.

Because I can be forgiven.

Because maple sugar smells so good.

Because I'm given second chances.

Because I can see the rain.

Because I can listen to Handel's Messiah.

Because I can journal in fountain pens.

Because life is an inexpressable gift, a constant second chance, and a continual manifestation of God's love- that is why I sing. It's not so much the huge, dynamic, clearly visible actions of my heavenly Father that proves His love. It's the daily heart beats He gives me. The breath He allows me to draw. The love He allows others to give. No, this isn't any profound, earth-shaking revelation. This isn't the blog that will cause you to scratch your head, or challenge your belief system. But stop, for just a minute and look around. Look at all those who ignore the God of the universe. Look at your own failings, your own mistakes. And realize that each moment you're alive is willed and commanded by the King of all kings. Even when you blatantly defy Him, or casually ignore Him, He is there. He has planned every minute of your life. He knows when you will fall short. And yet He still loves.

"Oh Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." (Isa. 25:1)

What do you believe?

I had a surprising conversation today. It was surprising because in its very bluntness it entered conversation realms that most people don't ever enter. I've only known this person for a relatively short amount of time. I've only been talking with him maybe 3 weeks. (He told me last week that he was so excited to find out that I had a personality. Yes, he's quite a charmer.) ;)

But today, right in the middle of our conversation he stops, pauses, and says, "So... What do YOU believe?"

I'll admit I fumbled. Not from a "what on earth do I say?" point, but rather from a "what on earth do I NOT say?" Massive amounts of information came rushing to my head. Salvation, the existence of truth, Christianity, my belief system, my source of truth, heaven/hell, etc. It was as though the little door I had been looking for had suddenly opened, but my huge tidal wave of knowledge couldn't get through. Instead, just a little splashed in. But I hope it was a big enough splash to make him start thinking.

I'm not going to talk about my answer. If you really want to know I said something along the lines of, "I believe that there is a moral right and wrong. I believe that there is a God who, when we die, will not look at the actions of our life, but rather at our belief in Him to determine our entrance into heaven." ect.

What I DO want to talk about is my fumble. Yes, I'm going to talk about how I messed up. I don't do this very often (it's one of the things I'm trying to work on) but today I felt especially inadequate, and whenever I feel inadequate I want to confess that. You are the lucky crowd I'm confessing to. (Although there's probably no one still reading my blog... I haven't posted in forever...)

The fumble led me to believe that yes, it is a good thing that I have all the facts that I do, but often, when the situation presents itself, I don't have enough time to present that vast amount of information. I have come to grips with the fact that I need to coherently organize my thoughts and my views, and, I need to be able to come up with a concise answer to the question, "What do you believe?"

That's my assignment this week.

I'll let you know how it goes...

Growing Up

Occasionally I receive an epiphany that I'm sure (to the rest of the world) is a daily occurance: I am horribly, awfully stupid.

**Please no sugary sweet, or bluntly painful comments.**

I was sitting in church yesterday (a very good place to be on Sunday) when I was smacked upside the head with the realization that I am a horrible, shallow, immature person. It wasn't as though one thing caused the whole thought process to begin, it was more a steady accumulation of a series of events. Those quiet, gently disquieting thoughts that had been floating around in my head for the past several weeks suddenly solidified and became crystal clear.

I am selfish.

Shallow.

And inconsiderate.

Things that I prized in other people (coolness, style, fashion, hotness/cuteness, etc.) are oh-so-superfluous.

I ordered my world around things which, in the end I made fun of. Had I been watching myself this past year, I would have probably made fun of me. I derrided people who were like me while at the same time failing to see my own flaws and failings. Talk about embarrassing...

But through my epiphany came this realization. I'm an adult. Granted, not a mature one, but an adult, nonethless. And while I stand here at the beginning of the rest of my life (yes, I know it's trite, but it IS true) I realize that the things which I want to prize and value, I have been pushing away and ignoring.

I will not discount this entire year. I've learned massive amounts. But I believe the lesson of this semester is that what I was chasing, I didn't really want.

Sometimes you push away the good, the great, and the lovely, before you see its goodness, greatness, and loveliness.

Sometimes you're blind to what you really want.

Sometimes it takes losing to figure out what you want to win.