Life

Every now and then God hits me over the head, "Courtney! You're mortal- you're not in control! I am. Trust me! Build your life around me!" In a sense, He is saying that to me everyday by allowing me to draw each breath, but when He really lays it on me, it's then that I realize that my life is but a vapor.

I woke up, yesterday morning, a little later than I normally do, simply because I could. My 8:30 class was cancelled and I was excited about my two extra hours of sleep. When my alarm went off, I gathered my toothbrushing tools and my face washing goods, and headed down the hall to the bathroom. I felt great! Today was the history lecture we had been hearing about all semester, I had nothing due in Spanish or Cognitive Psychology, and I was even going to be done an hour and a half early with my day because there was no orchestra.

I had just finished brushing my teeth when something happened. I lost my sense of hearing. It was the strangest thing I have ever physically experienced. It was as though some one had plugged my ears full of wax and then pressed cotton over the top of that. Hopefully it's the closest I ever come to actually being deaf. All at once I began to lose my sight, I couldn't see anything for a second, and then everything would flash back in to my sight with a slightly grey tinge. At the same time I began to lose control of my limbs, I could barely walk, and my arms were like dead weights. Breathing became difficult and I had to remind myself how to inhale and exhale. Everything started to go blank around me, and I fought off a wave of panic as I lost three of my five senses.
* * * * * *
I looked around, confused. I was on the floor, I couldn't move my legs, and my head hurt as though someone had slammed a sledge hammer into it. I looked up. Gradually I began to move, and to realize where I was. I had fallen to the floor in the rest room, narrowly mssing the sinks, and suprisingly landed on my back rather than my face. I could feel a goose egg beguin to rise on the back of my skull, and my legs were trembling. Tentatively I stood and teetered down the hall way. I could barely move and my head was throbbing. Telling myself not to be a baby, I lay down on my futon, after setting my alarm, deciding to sleep until just before class.

I couldn't sleep.

The long and short of it is, I went home. I was so sick, I couldn't keep water down. I hadn't thrown up since I was ten. I went to see the doctor. He did all the tests, blood work, an EKG. He wanted to test for a heart murmur, but I'm very sure I don't have one of those....

As of today, there is no indication of why I fainted so suddenly. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't on medication, I didn't have low blood sugar or low blood pressure. There was no indication of a virus or other illness. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I had gotten plenty of sleep, and there was no stress in my life- all of my projects were finished and turned in. Every question he asked I was replied, "No, that couldn't be a reason, because...."

So I don't know. I'm not sure why God let this happen, I'm not sure why I had to go through this. I wish that I didn't have to fight back the fear of it happening again, but I do. There is no logical reason for my "illness" and as such, I have no logical explanation. I don't know when, or if, it's ever going to happen again. But I do know one thing.

I was given today. Not tomorrow, and I can't relive yesterday. I can, however, live as passionately as I can today, because that is all that any of us is promised. I realized that I am not in control, although I like to think I am, and that in all reality, it is God who controls each breath I take and each move I make.

Why else did this happen?

I don't know.


As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. (Psalm 103:13-18)

Who I Am

I've been trying to change. Several outside forces acting on my life have impacted me in such a way as to make me want to change. I wanted to measure up- not to God's standards, but to other people's. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a people-pleaser. Very much so. The people I wanted to be like, to emulate, are of different personalities and goals in life than I am- they have different pursuits, different passions, they look at life differently, and that attracted me. So I started to try... and I tried and tried. I wanted to change my personality. I wanted to be logical, extensively educated/intelligent, and open minded. I wanted to think about things objectively, and discuss topics such as logic, philosophy, and religion. I wanted to present informed oppinions.

And I'm done.

No more.

I figured something out this week. I am me. I need to change and grow- definitely. But my standard is not man- but God. He made me the way I am for a reason. I can't be wholly objective. I'm a very emotional, passionate person. Looking at something from a rational, external view is almost entirely impossible for me. To a certain extent, yes, I should strive for impartiality, but I see no reason to entirely detach my thought process from my emotions and passions.

I don't like dealing with abstracts- unless they are words- like writing. I like concrete topics- ones I can wrap my brain around and hammer out an answer to. I do NOT like topics that men have argued about for ages and for which there is no true answer- just proofs and ideas. For instance- the topic "Does truth exist?" fascinates me. But I've found an answer. I don't mind logic- I love logic- I've considered being a lawyer, I like it so much. But I DON'T like topics like, "What is reality?" I see no point, and no crucial reason to debate that.

This year has taught me the following: I can be logical. I have no reason to fear learning new things. (I used to hate learning new things- simply because I was afraid that I would come up short- that everyone else would get it, and I wouldn't. And that I'd be labled "stupid." Hey, it actually happened in 6th grade....) I have a new passion for my education- I never want it to stop. In addition I have learned that only to a certain extent can I become like those who I want to emulate. I will always be me.

For some reason God made me the way I am. And I'm happy, because I can say along with Job,

"I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted" (Job 42:2)

There's a plan. Be like Christ.

You use your logic.

I'll use my passion.


"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ.... Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.... Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it." (I Cor. 12: 12, 14-20, 27)

Dreams...

A wonderful friend of mine recently posted, on her blog, a list of things that she really, really wanted to do/have in her life. I thought it was very amusing, insightful, and (being the copy-cat I am) I decided to mimic her... even though I should be studying. :) But to be totally honest, I've had quite a few wants that have been rolling around in my head- things I desire to see happen, or to do before I die. These aren't in any order. That would take too long, and I don't like prioritizing even little things, and I can't imagine prioritizing all of these.

I want... to spend a year studying abroad in England- preferrably Oxford. I've always wanted to go there- ever since my seventh grade year. Can you imagine studying where all those great, famous writers existed and studied? Wow.

I want... to go hangliding, wind-surfing, and sky diving. I think I would also like to try bungy-jumping, and para-sailing. I've never done any extreme sport- and the adrenaline rush looks fascinatingly addictive.

I want... to become a proficient dancer- ballroom, tango, flaminco, etc. I'm so klutzy I can't imagine how many lessons that would take...

I want... to go swimming in jello- it looks like so much fun!

I want... to star in a movie that will open in movie theatres all across the country. I don't care if I have to wait till I'm as old as Angela Landsberry- I just want to so badly! Ever since I was able to understand what acting is I've wanted to do it professionally.

I want... to be proposed to by one guy. The right one. I used to want strings and strings of beaux (just like Ruby Gillis on Anne of Green Gables) and get at least three proposals before I was 23. I now am convinced that would be completely miserable. I just want the one.

I want... to be proposed to in a completely surprising spot, when I am not expecting it at all. And he had better wear ear plugs because I will scream from sheer ecstacy. (It would be nice if the place could be romantic too, but surprise is the biggest factor...)

I want... to marry a man who is very passionate and excited about life. Someone who is going in the same direction as I am- so we can go together.

I want... a house I can call my own. Doesn't matter what it's like. I'd like it to be brick and cottagy with big windows, a large lawn with lots of trees, and a gorgeous kitchen with granite counter-tops. I'd also like it to have a music room, and an attic master bed room. But I think I'd be happy as long as my name was on the deed and I could plant hyacinths and tulips out front.

I want... eight boys. Kid you not. EIGHT. I don't have names picked out, I figure that's kinda silly for me to be thinking about, seeing as I'm not even dating anyone....

I want... to write a New York Times Bestseller. (Preferrably fiction) That's pretty sel-explanatory.

I want... to own a dog. My dad doesn't like them. So I don't have one.

I want... to get flowers on my birthday.

I want... to have an extensive library of over 1,000 books of all kinds. I want to have read them all, and be a well-versed person in nearly every subject. In short- I'd like a library that would develop and reflect my intelligence.

I want... to go to an inaugural ball- and wear a very sparkly dress and enormous jewels that I'd rather rent than own- what would happen if I got tired of them after spending thousands (millions?) on them? The bigger, the better.

I want... to go on a shopping spree in New York.

I want... to have to clip coupons for a time in my life. I like the idea of being frugal and bargain shopping.

I want... to get married in my backyard.

I want... everyone to come talk to me and go away relieved. I want my siblings and parents to count me as one of their best friends and confidants.

I want... to travel on missions trips all over the world. (I want to feed the little starving babies in Africa, and laugh with babushkas in Russia, I want to cry with a childless mother in China, and hold the motherless baby in Romania. I just want to go!)

I want... when I die, to be known as a person of joy, a person who was always changing, always growing. I want those who shared my life to be happier because of it. I want people to know about Christ, to know what authentic friendship is, and to grasp the meaning of true love-because of my life.

I want... to live like my Savior- full of passion and love.

and then-

I want... to go home. And get my crown.

"No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,
and the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away. " (Isa. 35:9-11)


"Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day–and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. " (II Timothy 4:8)

At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home.Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her,“Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will seeus!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Psalm 103

"Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindess.

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. Far as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him."


GOD loves ME!


This is my favorite psalm....

Who I Really Am....

Hello faithful- perhaps non-existant readership! I'm a very sorry that I have neglected this venue of the arts for such a long time. The truth be told I was trying to create beautiful music and raise my GPA, both of which are very difficult for me to do. Whether or not I succeeded in my goals has yet to be determined. But business is no excuse for neglecting my dear friends. In the words (or language) of my dear SPAN 201 teacher: "Lo siento mucho."

You know those dead spaces you often have between classes? Those 45 minute periods that are almost completely worthless unless you are a highly motivated person? Well, I was bored during one of those segments (perhaps I shouldn't have been bored, but I was.) And I decided to find out who I was. Yes, you heard me correctly. I wanted to define myself as a person in these 45 minutes of time that I had, so I did the most logical thing possible. I Googled "personality tests." The information I gleaned was incredibly surprising. The Bible is true, we cannot even fully know ourselves, the things I discovered about me was truly phenomenal. Only God can see our hearts, but we can take a little peak at what's going on through the tool known as a "personality test."

Here are some things I learned about myself...
1) The food I most resemble is chocolate. This was good news right of the bat. Apparently I'm fun loving and happy-go lucky. (No duh, I'm taking quizzes on line when I should be studying.) But there is also the aspect of what kind of chocolate I am- apparently people feel very strongly about dark vs. milk vs. white. So not everyone will like me, but those who do will be very passionate about it, which is comforting to know. Personally, I hope I resemble milk chocolate. (Isn't it great? My role model is a candy bar....)

2) I also discovered that I am like the Disney princess Jasmine, but this test is unreliable, because I took it a second time (wasn't happy with my first result) and I discovered that I was also Snow White. This test was disapointing. Those are the two princesses I dislike the most. What does that tell you about my personality? Maybe I'm unlikeable? I do know one thing for sure. I will never speak in the softness and register of Snow White, nor will you see me dressing like Jasmine- although I would like a pet tiger.....

3) My ideal hair color is grey- perhaps because I answered that test in a rather prudish manner. Really, the questions they ask for determining you hair color are completely absurd. But just watch- I'll go white instead of grey and have to die it. I wonder if anyone has every died their hair grey....

4) I am most like Rabbit of all the 100 Acre Woods characters, which irritated me, but also seemed to fit since I tend to be a worry wart, a planner, and a control freak. But once again, rabit was the animal I liked least.

5) My villain type is a vampire, so if you see me sprouting fangs and wearing red lip stick, help me by telling me to see a dentist and that red lipstick makes my complexion look sallow.

6) Wanting to gain some insight into my level of maturity, I took a maturity quiz. What do ay know? I act like I'm 20, a whole 3 months and 2 days older than I actually am. Boy, am I mature!

7) I gauged my femininty and discovered that I am just the right mixture- a little prim/propper, but definitely willing to throw some of the rules out of the window and live it up.

8) The dog I most resemble, well, this crushed me. It all dates back to when I was 6 and I got a really bad perm, well, I though it was cute, until some girls called me a clown. I was a red head- and my hair was short, so it is possible that I did resemble BoBo the clown, but I thought I was beautiful. Anyway, I'm a poodle. But just to remind you, we were the favorite dogs of the French arisotocracy- and we are very classy pooches.

9) The last one I will bore you with was the one in which I found out that in a previous life I was a cave-man. If I ever had any doubt about my social ability and technological skills, this clinched it. I was a cave man. And anyone who has every helped me with computer stuff will definitely understand, and perhaps even argue that I still am...

So anyway, these were the assortment of things that I found out about myself over one class period when I should have been reviewing the Spanish subjunctive. Let it be a lesson to me- I now know things about me that I never wanted to- it's hard peering into the depths of your heart and discovering that you are "Jasmine-Snow White, the grey haired, rabbity-poodlish, 2o year old highly feminine chocolate vampire caveman." Maybe God doesn't let us see the inner workings of ourselves because it would scare us to death.....

All a man's ways seem right to him,
but the LORD weighs the heart. (Prov. 21:2)

So perhaps the lesson to be learned today is that perhaps if I had peered into my heart, and striven to become more like Christ, I would no have been termed a poodlish vampire. :)

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life. (Prov. 4:23)

What I am doing

Most people only see me on Friday night and Sunday. Some even less than that. For all you know I could be out binge drinking and smoking pot every night- perhaps that's why my voice is raspy/scratchy/irritating. I may be the center of party life at Purdue and on a first name basis with every frat boy and bar tender. The list of non-permissible activites is endless.

But I'm good. I promise. (or, at least I try...) Here's a normal day in the life of Courtney E. Blake:

7:00 Rise and shine, debate whether or not I need to shower and usually end up hitting the snooze button until....
7:30 role out of bed, scramble for something other than the jean/sweatshirt uniform, and spend 4 precious minutes looking for matching socks.
8:00 head to class armed with a glass of orange juice and a pop tart that was snagged at an "On-The-Go" station
8:30 Class- this one is the Dean's Scholar class- fun, fun. If you click on this link and go to page 10- you'll see what I'm doing. I swear I wasn't drinking the night before, although my picture seems like it. http://www.cla.purdue.edu/honors/2004-05%20Dean%27s%20Scholars.pdf
9:30 Study/e-mail
10:30 History- by far one of the best classes I have ever experienced. It's like going to the theatre- but taking notes while you watch.
11:30 Lunch and review of (ugh) Spanish notes
12:30 Spanish- love the teacher, not too fond of the class. After 20 minutes I look at the clock expecting it to say we've gone 5 minutes past where we should have stopped
1:30 Reading left-over Cognitive Psych.
2:30 Cognitive Psychology with a professor who tells us his wife is always wrong and tells us about his family ordeals in a class where the assigned readings are over how engineers poorly design doors that contradict clear standards of cognition. Several problems here: why is the woman never right, he never takes her flowers and refuses to- even though I have asked him on countless occasions "why not?"(his excuse is "she was wrong, she should give me flowers." God gave me this class to discourage matrimonial thoughts... :) ), another problem would be that there are a bunch of Liberal Arts majors telling an engineer how to do his job. Anyone else find that slightly amusing?
3:30 Orchestra- we are preparing for an absolutely incredible concert this week!!! All Broadway and pops with the entire PMO group joining us in addition to a Broadway star who starred in Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables. Come this Sunday at 2:30 at the Circle Theatre in Lafayette. Tickets are on sale at the Purdue and Circle Theatre box offices. They are very reasonable and there are still some good ones left. COME, COME, COME!!!!!!!!!
5:00 Dinner with some buddies
6:30 Clean room
7:30 Pull out the homework
10:30 Put the homework away and watch "The Nanny"- her hypernasality is great!
11:00 Bed time.

See? Very boring and un-eventful. So.... write me, call me, and for pete's sake- come have lunch (or breakfast/dinner/snack) with me!!! I would love to see you and (as you know) I love to talk and be talked to. You know everyone leaves these kind of commands up, but I mean them, and if you don't respond at all I will feel very hurt, alone, and unloved. (See the tears welling up in my eyes...) Seriously- you would make my week if you came (not just my day- my WEEK!)

So... I've procrastinated on the biology long enough. Toodles!